I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
