and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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