she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My cat gives me a boner
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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