A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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