We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
