I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
