Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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