Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
