The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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