I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
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