Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
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