He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
