The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
