Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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