I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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