Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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