the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
