I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
