fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
