I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
