I wish my penis had an off switch
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
