last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
