Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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