Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize