I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
