I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
