Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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