After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
