You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
