Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
