He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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