My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
You left your phone here
Wait...
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