i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
