i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
