just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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