I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
