I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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