I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
