On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize