as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize