I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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