This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize