I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
