Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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