So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
