I hate your face
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
