there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
