eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
