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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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