i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize