I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize