I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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