Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
