Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
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