if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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