Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
