Tell her she can't have a vagina
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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