god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
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