2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
